Ferry scrabble, coming home, going away

Jumbled letters, stretching the brain after too many hours in the car, too early in the day, after and in the middle of too much stressing, working, thinking. A little mental exercise welcome during free wine and naps on the ferry.

Finally, berlin is over, for now a least. Jumbled letters, jumbled feelings, jumbled thoughts: some neatly ordered, triple-word-scored; most messy, complex.


Urgh…. illness


Cough, cough, cough. Wake up.

Sweat, swear, sweat

Ooooh…. hot…. wet… blankets off

Fuck me, it’s cold… shiver… blankets on.

Turn over, cough up lung, resolve never to turn over or move again.

Think about eating food…. realise there’s only fruit. Lose interest in the concept.


Well. That’s that.

So…. Yeah. Well. That was awkward.

*whistles nonchalantly and scratches patterns in the dirt with one toe*

Shall we just say that bit really sucked, Im feeling much better and move on?

Lots to talk about right now.

For I….. Finally…. Am moving to….




I’ve accepted a job at an international school on the coast in Thailand and it’s as though I’ve been set free from a strange, rainy, cold mind-prison. Not only is Berlin nearly over, I’m finally going to fulfill my number one dream of over 6 years. So, yeah. 😀

In other news, I got a puppy, she’s called Aoife and I love her even though she is often covered in, producing or eating poo.


I got a couple of new tattoos focussing on reminding me to prioritize the important aspects of life and in line with that I’m having a go at the Primal Blueprint.

Today is, you guessed it, day one (when else do I blog? Only new diets and heartbreaks get a look in)

Check it out, makes good sense. Hopefully it will help me feel a bit healthier and stronger. That’s actually the focus for me, rather than weightloss for a change, so I deliberately haven’t weighed myself at the start. Revolutionary.

Anyway, perhaps there will be some more good news on the blog. Can’t wait to finally chronicle my move to Thailand…


(Here’s another one, just to rub it in)


Mental illusions, just call me David fucking Copperfield.

My mind and its thoughts are at times distressingly similar to a visual illusion, the kind where you look at a picture and at first you see a beautiful young woman but later a withered old crone and after a while you can’t work out which picture is more real.

Situations come up in my life and I try to be thoughtful, not too reactionary, cautious and considerate but sometimes all that comes of that is that I think about them for so long I can’t even work out what my real opinion is anymore. Am I being patient, or am I being a mug and letting myself be taken for a ride? Am I being defeatist, or realistic? Do I deserve better, or am I spoiled?

How you untangle these contradictory thoughts is an utter fucking mystery to me. How do I find the tiny thread of what I genuinely think and want in amongst all the crap of what I think I should think, what I want to think, what my friends think I should think, what I thought the last time round and how right or wrong I was that time.

I am frozen in inaction, and utterly without a fucking clue.

Leaving on a jet plane

Sitting in the incongruously English “whittards” coffee shop at Koh Samui airport I am irrationally sad. I miss Koh Tao and the sense of challenge and focus I had from learning something new and having daily physical goals. Of course, this over-emotionality could also be caused by being utterly knackered, which I am. I fell asleep a 9.30 pm last night and slept for 11 straight hours, even though I knew the room was full of Mosquitos and there was a mysterious and large half-carcass of a spider in the bathroom (what was it, and what monster killed it?!). my legs and arms are cut and bruised from minor diving mishaps, I’m limping from several despise coral cuts acquired whilst swimming in choppy water and what feels like a strained muscle in my lower leg from fighting a very strong current yesterday wearing the wrong fins (some dickhead nicked mine out of my diving box). So, all in all, a bit of a mess in some respects, but I still feel like I had a fantastic 6 days on Koh Tao and wish I could dive some more…. In a day or two, when I feel less old and battered. The last two evenings where I had quite persistent landsickness and had to walk around my room like an old woman on a raft, hanging on to walls for support would suggest I pushed my body a bit harder than it has been used to of late.

For my troubles, however, I have a pretty great tan, I’ve lost an so far unknown amount of weight, but I can see a definite difference in my body and I am now an Advanced Open Water PADI Diver, which is very cool.

In the last couple of days, beyond my basic diving skills, I had a night dive: quite scary for me, awakened some claustrophobic fears but I did get to see biophosphorescence at 16 meters, and a ship wreck at night, and a huge huge crab; I did a navigation dive which my buddy and I absolutely nailed in quite bad visibility; I did the naturalist adventure dive and saw 30 different species of fish, coral and invertebrate, including a massive sea turtle and a sting ray; worked on my Peak Performance Buoyancy (far from perfect there, but it’s getting better). I div in very choppy waters and experienced trying to get back into the boat when you’re getting smashed around all over the place, and dived in a strong current which was exhausting but also great experience. so, I have 9 dives now and the next time I dive I won’t be a student, but merely a very inexperienced AOW diver-huzzah!

Koh Tao itself is beautiful….probably. I didn’t actually see much of it above water, since I was busy enough to stay on the resort at Tanote Bay but it was a paradise and the bays I saw from the boat and below the waves were all gorgeous. I can see why people go for a week and never come back.

So, Im at Koh Samui airport, waiting for mum to appear from her yoga retreat and then we fly back to Bangkok for one night and then tomorrow on to London, for one final night before I eventually get back to Berlin on Saturday afternoon, probably limpy, stinky and knackered 🙂


As I write I am sitting on the darkened beach of Tanote Bay on the east coast of Koh Tao. The sun went down two hours ago, and the beach is now a collection of small groups of deck chairs, lit by small, flickering candles. The waves are breaking on the beach 10 feet in front of me and I’m sipping a Tiger Beer and trying not the drop my iPad in the sand. I’m a lucky bitch.

I’m here to learn to dive so I’ll be beginning my PADI open water training tomorrow at 9am, which will be in a busy class of….. One. me, just me. So, the teaching will be intensive, can’t argue with a teacher to pupil ratio like that, but I had been hoping to make some temporary friends on the course, which now seems preeeeeetty unlikely.

in shock news, it turns out an almost 30 year old woman and her 60 year old mother can’t share a room for 3 weeks without tensions arising, and since mum has no interest in diving, she elected to stay on Koh Samui by herself for the next 5 days and do a scary, expensive yoga retreat. SO, she’s probably there right now, sitting in the lotus position and eschewing fun and booze….. Yeah right.

So, the islands. We arrived on Koh samui on Wednesday after a very stress free two-leg flight from Bangkok with Bangkok airways, which is posh and expensive, but the best thing was that from bangkok to samui we had a twin prop plane. It was all very Castaway. Except with an inflight meal.

Koh samui airport is so pretty! I know, it’s weird to say that, but it really is, all dark wood and plants, and blessed, blessed air conditioning. from there we took a taxi to our hotel, Baan Haad Ngam, which was pure luxury. The kind of hotel where they give you a cool drink and cold washcloth on arrival and give you an unnecessary flower bracelet. The kind of place I really couldn’t afford, you know, that kind of place. The pool was lovely and it was a few shirt steps to the sea, which was warmer than some baths I have had. I was wandering through the surf grinning like a happy little retard.

We visited chaweng and Lamai in the couple of days I was there, had some nice food, worked on our tans and I got a nice dose of sunstroke which necessitated a long cold bath and quite a lot of sleeping and then today I got the ferry from Koh Samui to Koh Tao and arrived, with a healthy dose of mild sunburn, at about 3pm.

The hotel picked me up in their jeep at the pier and it was a fun, bumpy, treacherous and mountainous ride to Montalay Beach resort where I’ve been checking in and bumming around ever since.

My room is a TINY little cottage with space for little more than a big double bed, a fridge and presumably quite a few geckos later, but it has air con, so I’m happy enough for now. this evening I passed a few hours watching the PADI videos to prepare for the course starting tomorrow and now I am blogging on the beach, trying to look peaceful rather than sad, pathetic and friendless. There’s a lot of couples and families and…. Me. However, tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will succeed in making an acquaintance or two, but even if not, I’m very, very happy to be sitting on this tropical island, drinking this beer and listening to the waves.