I think I do need to accept I’ll never be a regular blogger. I basically just can’t actually be arsed, and that is ok.
However, I find myself in that position where having a blog that hardly anybody reads is quite useful, for the following reasons:
- I have quite alot of stuff I wish I could talk about
- That stuff is boring to everybody apart from me
- Nobody’s making anybody read my blog, so it’s like talking to other people but giving them the option of wearing ear-plugs whilst you do it.
Here’s the skinny.
I was seeing somebody for a year, living with him in fact, and it didn’t work out. Mainly he just wasn’t that into me, and he helpfully acted like a bit of a tool because he didn’t have the courage to end the relationship himself, therefore forcing me to do it and ensuring he gave my self-esteem a few knocks on the way out.
So, he’s gone, and I guess that’s ok really, since I wasn’t all that happy for quite some time and hope there’s a bit more to an adult relationship.
Whilst I’m ok about him specifically being gone, I am now pretty lonely, vulnerable and feeling very undesireable. And that is sucky.
Following on from the breakup, I mourned for a month or so and then decided to get my act together over the February break, relax, train, and then go for a few drinks with a group of english-speakers.
Which was great fun actually, until I got attacked on the way home with my friend. We were robbed, he was quite seriously beaten up and injured and although I got away almost injury-free, it was a bit of a set-back emotionally. We are pressing charges and pursuing compensation for him, and I’ve made a really good friend out of it, but it kind of reaffirmed a lingering suspicion that many of the people in the world are really horrible, and made me feel unsafe.
Love-wise, there really isn’t anything to say. There was/is somebody I care about very much but they are unavailable and that has been hard too.
Work has not been enormous fun this year. Many problems with how colleagues and management communicate, parental pressure and a big disappointment for me personally on a professional project have left me feeling very disillusioned.
So, in the two months that have elapsed of this year, I’ve been effectively dumped, told I’m unattractive and fat by said dumper, been robbed and physically attacked, fallen for someone I can’t have and resigned. I would like to be able to say the last thing is unrelated to the previous things, but I somehow doubt it.
So, that all said, I’m looking for other positions in Berlin but primarily in Bangkok. It seems like if I’m ever going to really do it, go and live in Thailand and give that a shot, then this is time, because I really don’t feel like I have very much to lose.
It’s scary, very scary. Moving 6 or 7 thousand miles is a big deal, I wont know a soul. If it all goes tits up, or I need help there wont be a 30euro ryanair flight that’ll have me home 2 hours later.
And of course I’m worried that this is “running away”. How do you know if it is or isn’t? Is the right answer toughing shit out even when you’re unhappy or just saying “fuck it, I’m off”?
God knows Berlin is enough of a wasteland when it comes to men, Bangkok is only likely to be worse (thank you sex-tourism), so perhaps I’m even further damaging my chances of meeting the right, lovely person.
I don’t know.
I’m utterly clueless. I have no plan. In 6 months time I could be in Bangkok, Berlin… somewhere else.. who knows? Hopefully in 6 months time whatever else happens I’ll be feeling more positive, cos right now… not so much.
So, please, anybody reading this: refrain from “it’s in the past”/”you were lucky”/”it’s just a breakup”/”it’s all about your perspective”/”You’re blog is shit: delete dat fookin ting”, because I’m getting enough of that from other people, and quite frankly it’s making me just want to stay in my house and never speak about anything to anyone again.
I feel shit. That is presumably allowed. Feel free to give me a cuddle, buy me a beer, or get me laid. Those things might help.
I will attempt a more positive, solution-focussed post some other time.
If I remember.