I do love a wee bit of change, it must be said. When I’m down, stressed, confused, like anybody I tend to get the old “fight or flight” response on the go. When it’s something I have control over, the power to change or to fight, I fight. I always need a plan of attack and I make countless lists to help me win whatever fight I’m in.
If it’s out of my control in general I go for flight, and the flight can be pretty major like, say, running away to live in Berlin.
At the minute I’m not sure what’s exactly going on with me: I know I’m “not quite right”, but I’ve been mostly very stable since November, excepting the Minor Dumping of ’09 throwing me for a loop for a few weeks. So it’s not Bonkersness, it’s sommat else.
And yet, I feel like running away. I feel like something is outwith my control and I need to get away from it, but I don’t know what it is, and I can’t shift country again: I’ve just made friends, my job is reasonably ok and I’m only just getting to know Berlin. I can’t really afford a holiday, even if I had the time, or anyone to go with. So, instead, I’m moving house.
I’m looking forward to it for a few reasons: firstly, I’m currently sharing with a random man and it’s annoying. I don’t like living with folk, as I mentioned. Secondly, my new place is cheaper and that is a very good thing.
Aside from moving, I clearly need to focus my attention in other directions and perhaps this is a good place to think about how I need to change in order to stop feeling like something intangible is always wrong.
So, here are the areas of my life that bother me and some ideas of how I intend to change it. If you have any other ideas, get stuck in.
I have two outstanding debts I want to pay off: a British overdraft and a personal loan from a friend when I moved to Berlin.I’ve spent some of my time today (I’m off sick with a cold) looking at how and when I can pay these off and it looks like the move to a cheaper place will allow me to start both saving and chipping away at these debts at long last. After the summer Ill hopefully become full time and that’ll speed up the process. Nevertheless, I reckon I’m looking at 2 years to get back to zero. I could do it faster but I really want to start saving so that I can start doing some travelling- I find myself hankering after another 3 weeks of sweaty, Thai training!
What in God’s name do I actually want from life. Fucked if I know. Do you know? And if you do know about your life, do you happen to have any inside knowledge about mine, cos I completely missed the memo about what I’m supposed to be doing. My job is fine – I love the vast majority of the folk I work with, the kids are really lovely in my class and as of next year I’ll have more hours, more money and hopefully more interest. Nevertheless I can’t see myself teaching forever, and I have this vague, niggling feeling I want to be doing a job that uses my body more; that’s physically and mentally challengeing and keeps me feeling more alive. But what? I have absolutely no idea where to start. Perhaps in the summer if I don’t go away I can find some sort of seasonal job which might let me explore that. In the meantime, and on the positive front, I want to do better at the job I have now – be more dedicated, find more enjoyment, and that is something I have control over. One positive thing I can do is get onto the German learning and start learning to drive at some point, and that will open more doors.
Health & Fatness
Dude. I got fat. It aint funny. I’m a good 5 or 6 kilos heavier than when I arrived, and a clear 11kg over fight weight. I’ve been bitching and moaning about this for months and have succeeded only in getting fatter and less fit. I don’t know if this time will be any different but I am feeling like I can lose the weight successfully now: perhaps it’s the upturn in the weather making things seem more feasible, or perhaps I’ve really just had enough now. At times I feel like it just can’t be done and then I look back and remind myself of all the weight I’ve lost (and regained, several times) in the past, and realise this is far from an insurmountable obstacle. So, to help motivate me I’ll try to post my weight failures and successes here and I’d like to be back to 63 kilos by, say, my birthday – 23rd June (that reminder is for your benefit, Kal).
Good God, do I ever need to get a grip. What is it with me and emotionally unavailable men? What can I say, really? Sarah- stop! Grow a backbone and stop wasting time with men who don’t deserve you. Probably focussing my attention on my health and Muay Thai will help to give me some perspective there. Here’s hoping. I do now definitely deserve some luck in this department.
I last fought in April last year and since then I’ve had virtually no motivation. No real reason: the fight, although a draw, was probably my best to date, so I should have been spurred on. Instead the slow death of the relationship with The Boy, some months of suicidal depression, unemployment and then a big move to another country just threw me totally off balance. I came to realise that the people I trained with were a large part of my love for the sport. I made little secret of my respect and love for my trainer, and the people I trained with were my friends. It was my social life. And my life in Edinburgh was ideally structured to nurture Muay Thai. I had classes I could go to all over the city; my trainer was dedicated to me as well as being a friend; I felt part of a community. Here I have none of that. Nobody gives a shit whether I train or not, I can’t talk to people at training because of the language barrier and I’ve yet to find a club that takes fighters seriously.
However, I want to give it another go. I miss being successful at something and being proud of myself for doing something out of the ordinary. I’ll admit it: being a fighter made me feel special, it was part of my identity and now I’m just some teacher who likes the pub. Not good enough.
So I want to start fighting again-I’d like to fight on the SMTC show in Edinburgh in July and I really need one or 2 here in Germany before then. SO. Here we go….
Aaaaand….that’s about it. It’s probably enough though, huh?
Wish me luck