This is the only word to describe my life at the moment.
I can only apologise for the recent radio-silence, but my head’s beena disaster-zone recently, and ‘unsettled’ isn’t even nearly sufficient an adjective for the goings-on recently.
As we all know, if we’ve been paying attention to the story so far, the flat has been on the market for nearly a year. A great deal has in the past ridden on its successful sale – the original trip to Thailand with the ex: cancelled due to non-sale. Jobs in teaching: not applied for largely due to instability caused by non-sale. Temporary destitution and ongoing financial tightness: caused initially by non-sale and latterly just being a money-tard.
It’s been shit. I’ve been living in my ex-marital home, with random but lovely flatmates, waiting but trying not to wait for something to happen so that… something, anyting can happen.
Having a plan is impossible – any day the flat could sell, or it probably wont. I’ve been working a crappy job that I hate, bored out of my not-exactly-tiny brain, earning peanuts, partly because I can’t do what I want to do.
Largely because I don’t know what I want to do.
Waiting for something to happen is all well and good,but knowing what to do when that something, whatever it is, finally can happen in something else all together.
We’ve had an offer.
A real, live, offer. From real, live, people.
It’s not confirmed: there are issues, concerns, problems to be ironed out, but it could be something. I might finally be free in a sense, but I’m utterly lost.
What, in God’s name, should I do now?
I’m applying for everything, the only stipulation being it should be far away. Lots of things are a mess: my head, my heart, my future. I don’t know where anything is heading and I’d like to step outside myself, take a breath of fresh air.